focus forum svt

I�canapos;t sleep.

I canapos;t stop thinking about how fat Iapos;ve gotten.

I still canapos;t listen to that Zero 7 song that reminds me of Ireland Tom.�

I still canapos;t watch "The Wind that Shakes the Barely" despite I�thoroughly enjoy it and itapos;s on Showtime almost everyday. Hearing the accents just reminds me of everything and I still shudder and potentially have a visceral reaction.

I keep listening to "Savior" on the new Rise Against cd and fixating on the chorus:�"So tell me now, if this ainapos;t love then how do we get out? / I donapos;t hate you boy, I just want to save you while thereapos;s still something left to save / Thatapos;s when I told her that I love you girl, but Iapos;m not the answer for the questions you still have."

I donapos;t have the heart to tell my roommate that I donapos;t want to hear about her and the-guy-who-just-fucks-her anymore. On top of my personal disliking (more like borderline hatred) for him: he flirted with her good friend at a wedding she took him to, he admitted drunkenly that he fucked his ex-girlfriend twice behind my friendapos;s back then went to lie about it when she confronted him about it when he was sober. But she is still seeing him and fucking him. It fucking irritates me, mostly because it reminds me of the level of weakness that I�hope to never be at. Even at Tapos;s lowest moment he has never come even close to that degree of scum-bag-ness as that.

I want to go to sleep, for fuckapos;s sake.

I almost vomited in the gym while trying to watch the news and my eyes accidentally carried over to the next television over and the mind-numbing show "The Hills" had some very attractive couple affectionately kissing. The girl embraced the boy around his neck and with a smile she pecked his lips happily, giggling in a completely staged but pleasent moment. I�was so disgusted that I�almost regurgitated the bile in my empty stomach but intead curled my lip in a snear.

I also realized I have never been happy in a moment like that, or even had enough emotion to fake it.

I also never had a guy show (or at least try because I probably wouldnapos;t let them) any affection to me in public. Not because of my request, but because they didnapos;t want to or rather, claimed they couldnapos;t. Recent reasons:
Ireland Tom: claimed he didnapos;t want any of his "mates" or his ex-friendapos;s friends to see us together (suspicious, no?�Especially seeing as he "was in love with me".)
Ireland�Mike: claimed he did it for my sake that he didnapos;t want people to judge me as a slutty American girl or something.
T: We werenapos;t dating, so why make it seem like we are to others?

The only thing I�might have understood better with the Irish boys was that they did not want to deal with the stigma of being with an American girl, seeing our international reputations, I�mean, they live there, I�was only there for 6 weeks. But it still seemed like bullshit.

Iapos;m not sure why Iapos;m fixating on this, itapos;s probably just because Iapos;m fucking tired and canapos;t sleep and Iapos;m just left with me and my frantic thoughts.

Fuck.


da vinci code cliff note, focus forum svt, focus forum item vital, focus forum, focus formula with attention factors.