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We saw a short video clip on Henry Hudson and reviewed the chart on explorers.

Homework: Define the following terms on page 35 of your notebook: astrolabe, caravel, cartography, circumnavigate, indigenous.� You also need to trace the routes of the following explorers: Bartholomeu Dias, Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Ferdinand Magellan, and John Cabot.� Complete this on the map I gave you in class.� On this map you also need to label the continents and the oceans.� Label the map European Exploration.� Use your textbook for help.

Quiz on European exploration on Tuesday

Bring colored pencils tomorrow

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I have not written in ages.� Donapos;t really know why.� I guess Iapos;ve just been too busy feeling sorry for myself, but what else is new.� No more of that. �I just need to deal with it.� I know Iapos;m a failure.� But if thereapos;s one thing Iapos;m not going to fail at is being skinny.� I will get there.� No matter what it takes.� I donapos;t give a damn anymore.� Iapos;ll just goo on fucking SSDI and work my part time hours at the fire department.� Get medicaid.� Considering I no longer have insurance.� Itapos;s just a matter of time before I�end up IP again.� And quite honestly I donapos;t really care about that either.� As long as Iapos;m skinny.� Ah maybe *Leslie and I will end up in at the same time.� That would make things much better.� Sheapos;s much closer to being admitted than I�am.� So she just needs to cheat the system for a while until I lose enough weight haha.� They said if she loses five more pounds sheapos;s going IP.� So weapos;re gonna have to cheat to keep her out until I�have to go.� Current weight 145.2.

*name changed for privacy
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That I wonapos;t be attending this yearapos;s Christmas party?

Some back story: Each year my momapos;s sister host a little get-together on Christmas Eve. The women in my family�are all divorced, so itapos;s just grown children (the sons and their wives)�and grandchildren. I dread the party each year. Since the party consists mostly of my aunt�and her�grand kids, sons and their awful wives, I donapos;t feel honor-bound to them�to go.�But I do for�my mom. She likes the holidays and I know she wants me there, but the thought of spending time with these people make me literally sick for days before and sometimes days afterwards. My aunts sonsapos; have been�snots since birth, and one of the wives never fails to say something snide to me. I usually sit in a corner trying desperately to smile when turned too and praying itapos;ll be over soon.� This year I just canapos;t do it. Iapos;m already dreading it and itapos;s not even November �Itapos;s gotten worse, for me, since my younger brother got married and Iapos;m the only one left single with no kids. That�amongst other things�seem to mark me worthless in their eyes and they never go without letting me know it each year.�My mother�loves her sister and the family and basically poo-poos whatever I say...so how do I explain I wonapos;t be accompanying her this year?

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A rather rhetorical question:

If the meaning of life is to know Godapos;s will and to follow it, to aknowledge that everything lays in His hands; if the reason of life is to prepare for life after death or a next reincarnation and to see yourself as apos;a grain of sand in the desertapos;, not to be able nor capable of changing nature or the way things are... What do you do with a modern technician who doesnapos;t seem to know any God, and defies yours? Who doesnapos;t show respect for his ancestors, for the headman and for the devoted places and who want to change ancient procedures, because in his country, he says, they are different and better?
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AH�CSS� It begins now.��This makes me happy.� Though Iapos;m not particularly happy that Iapos;m on a mac, I figure itapos;s at least time to learn how to use the should I�ever be forced into doing so.� I�mean, itapos;s not my favourite thing in the world to do, learning how to use a completely different platform, but really?� I�think I can manage it.� Maybe.� Weapos;ll see.� They keyboard isnapos;t bad and it doesnapos;t make very much noise, so I can survive.

I really really really hate the control+click bullshit, though.� And the command button or whatever.� Itapos;s insanity, is what it is, and I wonapos;t stand for it �I�WILL�NOT



I thought I was going to be late for class today because my French exam was THE�LONGEST�THING�IN�THE�WORLD. �OH�MY GOD.� All of the other exams?��I finished early. �Not this one.� Nobody did, that I could see, and if they had, they probably finished early because they had no idea what they were doing and decided not to even bother trying.� Because seriously?��That was one of the longest tests Iapos;ve ever taken for a 50 minute class.� -.-� I do not need to take a 70 minute exam in a 50 minute class, ktnx.� Rawr.

In other news, Iapos;m still putting off putting together the�Quibbler.� It needs to be done before Halloween, and I�should be able to manage that, but it would be nice if the person who was supposed to help me put the effing thing together would do so. �I�really donapos;t want to spend 50 hours putting this shit together simply because she doesnapos;t want to bother anymore.� Honestly?� I�think sheapos;s got the setting for like, text boxes effed all to hell, so Iapos;m going to try to fix that, but I doubt Iapos;ll have much success.� Oh well.

AND�now, I think itapos;s time for class to recommence, so wheee� Off we go.

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I�canapos;t sleep.

I canapos;t stop thinking about how fat Iapos;ve gotten.

I still canapos;t listen to that Zero 7 song that reminds me of Ireland Tom.�

I still canapos;t watch "The Wind that Shakes the Barely" despite I�thoroughly enjoy it and itapos;s on Showtime almost everyday. Hearing the accents just reminds me of everything and I still shudder and potentially have a visceral reaction.

I keep listening to "Savior" on the new Rise Against cd and fixating on the chorus:�"So tell me now, if this ainapos;t love then how do we get out? / I donapos;t hate you boy, I just want to save you while thereapos;s still something left to save / Thatapos;s when I told her that I love you girl, but Iapos;m not the answer for the questions you still have."

I donapos;t have the heart to tell my roommate that I donapos;t want to hear about her and the-guy-who-just-fucks-her anymore. On top of my personal disliking (more like borderline hatred) for him: he flirted with her good friend at a wedding she took him to, he admitted drunkenly that he fucked his ex-girlfriend twice behind my friendapos;s back then went to lie about it when she confronted him about it when he was sober. But she is still seeing him and fucking him. It fucking irritates me, mostly because it reminds me of the level of weakness that I�hope to never be at. Even at Tapos;s lowest moment he has never come even close to that degree of scum-bag-ness as that.

I want to go to sleep, for fuckapos;s sake.

I almost vomited in the gym while trying to watch the news and my eyes accidentally carried over to the next television over and the mind-numbing show "The Hills" had some very attractive couple affectionately kissing. The girl embraced the boy around his neck and with a smile she pecked his lips happily, giggling in a completely staged but pleasent moment. I�was so disgusted that I�almost regurgitated the bile in my empty stomach but intead curled my lip in a snear.

I also realized I have never been happy in a moment like that, or even had enough emotion to fake it.

I also never had a guy show (or at least try because I probably wouldnapos;t let them) any affection to me in public. Not because of my request, but because they didnapos;t want to or rather, claimed they couldnapos;t. Recent reasons:
Ireland Tom: claimed he didnapos;t want any of his "mates" or his ex-friendapos;s friends to see us together (suspicious, no?�Especially seeing as he "was in love with me".)
Ireland�Mike: claimed he did it for my sake that he didnapos;t want people to judge me as a slutty American girl or something.
T: We werenapos;t dating, so why make it seem like we are to others?

The only thing I�might have understood better with the Irish boys was that they did not want to deal with the stigma of being with an American girl, seeing our international reputations, I�mean, they live there, I�was only there for 6 weeks. But it still seemed like bullshit.

Iapos;m not sure why Iapos;m fixating on this, itapos;s probably just because Iapos;m fucking tired and canapos;t sleep and Iapos;m just left with me and my frantic thoughts.

Fuck.


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Soma. Povidone iodine. Cayenne extract. Curried stir fry. Valerian extract. Bandages. Sympathetic and empathetic husband.
Doing better.
Less raw.

Watching "Heroes" now. It is awesome as always. I like Vortex Guy.

I wonder if you could plagiarize yourself if the original story is your own fanfiction? I wrote several TMNT fanfics many years ago, fics that Iapos;ve been considering dissecting and disassembling, taking certain sentences and fragments and putting them in the novel. Especially the forever-unfinished "Shadow Rising." I loved writing that story. I donapos;t even know if I can finish it now, itapos;s been so very long. And "Ashes To Ashes" is lost forever. The sites that hosted it donapos;t seem to exist anymore. But I remember bits of it. I remember enough.

Also... Adamapos;s father still has prostate cancer. The surgery failed. The surgeons couldnapos;t remove the tumor. Now Bernie must recover from a surgery that didnapos;t even go anywhere. In a few weeks, they will try radiation. Maybe even cyberknife. Iapos;m tense, but I realize that things will be all right, regardless.
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